how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
