first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
