I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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