My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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