I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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