Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
