Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
