Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
