Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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