An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
