i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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