I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
