Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Please don't give away my fajitas
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
