oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sober January is a disaster.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
