Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it glows. i had to have it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
