what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just had sex on a roof
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
