o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
