1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
