somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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