I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I just sharted jello shots
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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