wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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