I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
