I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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