the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
