Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
