so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
