you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
