did you get engaged???
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
