i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
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He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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