i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
