I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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