She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
