Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
