At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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