you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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