in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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