i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
