So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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