whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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