i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
