I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
