I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
