so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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