i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Drunk walkin through police station. America
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
