I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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