Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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