So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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