You really coming over, don't trick.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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