just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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