i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
