I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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