i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
