i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
