There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
