Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
