only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
