im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
