"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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