Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
